Hi. I’m Kaiji Tang. I’m a screen actor, voice actor, script writer and mixed martial artist. I have website that loads too slow (www.kaijitang.com), bills that are only marginally paid on time, a stack of out of date head shots that still have me wearing short camera ready Asian hair and a number of ex-girlfriends who now all have kids (noneofwhichareminethanks). My family is responsible for all those portable CPR machines you probably see in Borders and Starbucks while sipping your five dollar iced caramel macchiatos with soy (theyownthepatent). I once ate an In-n-Out Burger in front of a camera and was paid $350 for it. People sometimes pay me to play video games, read manga and watch things on television. The longer I live the more paranoid I am that some disaster will occur and cut into my sitting around time, pulling me perhaps into a situation where these hard earned survival talents I’ve just listed would mean nothing and I’d have to, let’s say, build or nurture something.
“No Steve, I can’t be on watch for the zombies right now. It’s Onyxia night and I’ve got a feeling my tier helmet will drop!”
We’ll get to AnimeTV and my involvement therein in a moment.
First let me tell you a story. This part year I was invited to AnimeVegas (okayIemailedthemandtheysaidIcouldcome) as a guest. Aside from feeling like a douche bag while signing autographs next to Yuri Lowenthal and Tara Platt, being given a hot dog by Steve Blum in the most flamboyant manner I could think of (storysavedforlater) and losing and getting back around $600 in Black Jack, I had a really interesting dinner with Brad Swaile that involved a tiny, waist height door in the bathroom and some really bad lasagna. Oh, did I mention that door was haunted? I probably should have. Half way through dinner, I excused myself from the table and went to use the little men’s room. I use the term little men now because I’m convinced they have something to do with that particular bathroom in that particular hotel in that particular restaurant in Vegas. Anyway. I walk in and barely notice the tiny door on my right. It’s not something you stop and think about, really. “Oh look! A tiny door!” Would not be the first words out of my mouth as I went to pee.
Now I was alone in this bathroom. The smell told me however that recently an extremely drunk/stoned/angryatthelasagna patron had missed the urinal. I used the clean one. As I stood there, taking care of business the only way I know how (standingup), I heard a door creak open. This isn’t anything unusual in a bathroom. Usually. I finished and turned around, half expecting someone else standing there, waiting for their turn for the clean urinal. And ‘lo, for what do I see but the tiny door creaking open. It was dark on the other side of it so I couldn’t see what had opened it. I swear to you however, this tiny door opened of its own accord, stayed open for a few seconds and then slammed shut right before my eyes.
I was confused. I was terrified. If I hadn’t already peed I would have–well okay, I would have probably turned around and used the urinal since I was there, but I would have kept one eye on that door! Returning to the table (afterwashingmyhands), I informed Brad Swaile of my misadventure with The Haunted Little Door of Vegas. He scoffed at first but at my insistence, he went and checked it out. Returning, he informed me that not only was the little door creepy looking, but it had numbers on it. Which kind of freaked me out, because when I was in there the door was plain wood and was unmarked. That or I was too busy not peeing myself to see the numbers, whatever. Later on another one of our friends gathered up the courage and tried to open the door. It was locked.
Asking the maître d (inthiscaseaboredlookingwomaninareallybadsuit), we were informed that the door was an entrance to a sewer system that goes below the hotel. So we all came up with the only obvious explanation that made sense at the time: A race of fetid, subterranean dwarven folk (whomayormaynotbezombies) secretly work for several hotels and casinos in Las Vegas as a cheap maintenance staff. In return they are fed the bodies of those who can’t pay off their wages at the tables.
By the way we were all pretty drunk at that point, but I don’t see how that would factor into the story at all.
Right so back to AnimeTV.
I’m on it.
PS: What did the lasagna have to do with my story? I made a bet with a friend that I’d forget all about the lasagna soon enough (mehavingbeenrathervocalaboutitatthetime) and this was my way of winning the bet. I don’t remember if I win anything.